A Man's Handy Guide

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

 

 

 

as seen on and copied from facebook :)

Why Men Are Happier

Why Men Are Happier--

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men's last name never changes.

Everything on a man's face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.



as seen on and copied from facebook :)

Warnings that should be placed on alcohol containers

Warnings that should be placed on alcohol containers:

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren’t.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn’t.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren’t really laughing AT you, they’re laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.


as seen on and copied from facebook :)

What's in common?

What do a baby and a doorknob have in common?


. . .


. . .  


. . .



. . .



They're both something to a-dore!


:)



as heard on "The Donna Reed Show"

HOW THE WOMAN GOT HER NAME

HOW THE WOMAN GOT HER NAME:

Adam was in the Garden of Eden, bored with all the animals and feeling mighty lonely. God saw this, and being the generous sort, decided to make the perfect helper for Adam.

So God put Adam to sleep, took out a rib, and crafted the most beautiful thing ever seen in His creation.

When Adam woke up, he took one look at her stunning radiance, and exclaimed, "WO! MAN!"



as seen on and copied from facebook :)

Luxury

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place.

His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home . . .

. . .including the curtain rods!




as seen on and copied from facebook :)

How do you say that?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing" 


as seen on and copied from facebook :)

Expenses

I was watching an old George & Gracie episode last night, and their accountant was trying to figure out some of Gracie's deductions:

Personal expenses: $120 for a wave -- You see, my friend waved, and when I waved back I drove into a tree.

Under health expenses: $50 for a full-length mirror -- That's right, I got it for my father so he wouldn't get pneumonia. You see, before he only had a half-length mirror, so when he went outside he forgot his pants.

$75 for goldfish -- Well, I put the goldfish bowl on the phonograph and turn it on so the goldfish get their exercise without having to swim around.



as seen on and copied from facebook :)

Late night call

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice, I said, "Hello." The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry, dear," I replied, "but I have to tell you you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan. In fact, I don't have any daughter at all."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's quavering voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."



as seen on and copied from facebook :)

How to make babies :)

A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?" The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.

"It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.

Rabbit Pie

A farmer and his wife were reading through a recipe book one day and came across a scrumptious-looking dish called Rabbit Pie. They decided that that's what they wanted for dinner that night, so while the farmer went around preparing the veggies for the filling and the dough for the pie shell, the farmer's wife went out to shoot the rabbit (equal-opportunity times, you know).

She was back in no time at all, and together they prepared the bunny (you don't wanna know), stuck him in the pie shell with the veggies, and carefully placed the whole dish into the oven.

But then a strange thing happened. A knocking sound came from inside the oven door. When the farmer opened it up, the rabbit suddenly hopped out, complaining about the heat!
The farmer and his wife were bewildered, but thankfully the farmer came to his senses in time to catch the rabbit before it got away - killing it (again) and sticking it in the pie shell once more.

But wouldn't you know it, they heard MORE knocking come from the oven. This time the farmer's wife opened the oven door, and out hopped that rabbit AGAIN! By this point, the farmer's wife was getting angry, so she took a stick and completely bashed the rabbit's head in, stuffed it back into the pie shell, and finally back into the oven.

But only seconds later, the knocking sounded AGAIN! This time when the farmers wife opened the oven door and the bunny came hopping out, the farmer waved her aside, opened the farm-house door, and let the animal go.

"Why did you do that?" cried the farmer's wife. "Now we don't have anything to eat for supper!"

"Let's face it," replied the farmer. "It was a hard rabbit to bake."

Chinese....

Someone needs to open a low-carb Chinese food restaurant and call it

"No More Mr. Rice Guy."

 

 

as seen on and copied from facebook :)

the nightgown

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."

New Drugs :)

A famous British pharmaceutical company is working on drugs specifically for females ...

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment toward her spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing "facts" in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as "You don't love me anymore."

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.

 

as seen on and copied from facebook :)

How'd you die??

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
 
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.


as seen on and copied from facebook :)

Are you..... ??

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he'd been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass??"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's Math Teacher."

the affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining......"

 

as seen on and copied from facebook :)