How many kinds?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes. The root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

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New Skin

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you???'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!!!

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Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"I said be quiet! Now you're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"







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The Bet

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blonde's are dumb. But, all men..... are men.






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Do you fart in bed ?

Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years; the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

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Tourists

A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."





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The car won't start....

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."



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No more kids

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. 

 

 

 

 

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The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

 

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

 

 

 

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If you were a little girl in the 70's . . . .

If you were a little girl in the 70's . . . .

You wore a rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves, and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.

You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.

You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a basket with plastic flowers on it.

You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels.

You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute. (Admit it!)

You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.

You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.

You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie," not to mention the "Dorothy Hamilton" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. People sometimes thought you were a boy.

Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.

You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.

You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits.

You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze. The swing set tipped over at least once.

You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.

You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard sole & the buckle). You also had a pair of saltwater sandals. What the heck are saltwater sandals????? (We called them jelly shoes/sandals.)

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Oleson!

You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink. Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it "pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.

You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.

You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic.

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazard was your boyfriend.

Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the movie, "Annie" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day...dadgumit!

YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!

It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would come on TV. Your Mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!

You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry, Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield?"

You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album.

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird pot holders strung around that plastic square.

You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your T-shirts!

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker.

You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club. Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing.

You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.)

You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.

You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.

You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.

You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.

You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.

You spent all your allowance on smurfs and stickers for your sticker album.

The birthday gift

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture."



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Mike & Maureen

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all
sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money,

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom
where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter
inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."




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An Irishman....

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." 

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for my self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though!"



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The Bus Ride

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

"She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

"But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!"




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Game Day

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."  

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A Man's Handy Guide

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

 

 

 

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Why Men Are Happier

Why Men Are Happier--

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men's last name never changes.

Everything on a man's face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.



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Warnings that should be placed on alcohol containers

Warnings that should be placed on alcohol containers:

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren’t.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn’t.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren’t really laughing AT you, they’re laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.


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What's in common?

What do a baby and a doorknob have in common?


. . .


. . .  


. . .



. . .



They're both something to a-dore!


:)



as heard on "The Donna Reed Show"

HOW THE WOMAN GOT HER NAME

HOW THE WOMAN GOT HER NAME:

Adam was in the Garden of Eden, bored with all the animals and feeling mighty lonely. God saw this, and being the generous sort, decided to make the perfect helper for Adam.

So God put Adam to sleep, took out a rib, and crafted the most beautiful thing ever seen in His creation.

When Adam woke up, he took one look at her stunning radiance, and exclaimed, "WO! MAN!"



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Luxury

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place.

His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home . . .

. . .including the curtain rods!




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How do you say that?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing" 


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Expenses

I was watching an old George & Gracie episode last night, and their accountant was trying to figure out some of Gracie's deductions:

Personal expenses: $120 for a wave -- You see, my friend waved, and when I waved back I drove into a tree.

Under health expenses: $50 for a full-length mirror -- That's right, I got it for my father so he wouldn't get pneumonia. You see, before he only had a half-length mirror, so when he went outside he forgot his pants.

$75 for goldfish -- Well, I put the goldfish bowl on the phonograph and turn it on so the goldfish get their exercise without having to swim around.



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Late night call

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice, I said, "Hello." The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry, dear," I replied, "but I have to tell you you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan. In fact, I don't have any daughter at all."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's quavering voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."



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How to make babies :)

A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?" The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.

"It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.

Rabbit Pie

A farmer and his wife were reading through a recipe book one day and came across a scrumptious-looking dish called Rabbit Pie. They decided that that's what they wanted for dinner that night, so while the farmer went around preparing the veggies for the filling and the dough for the pie shell, the farmer's wife went out to shoot the rabbit (equal-opportunity times, you know).

She was back in no time at all, and together they prepared the bunny (you don't wanna know), stuck him in the pie shell with the veggies, and carefully placed the whole dish into the oven.

But then a strange thing happened. A knocking sound came from inside the oven door. When the farmer opened it up, the rabbit suddenly hopped out, complaining about the heat!
The farmer and his wife were bewildered, but thankfully the farmer came to his senses in time to catch the rabbit before it got away - killing it (again) and sticking it in the pie shell once more.

But wouldn't you know it, they heard MORE knocking come from the oven. This time the farmer's wife opened the oven door, and out hopped that rabbit AGAIN! By this point, the farmer's wife was getting angry, so she took a stick and completely bashed the rabbit's head in, stuffed it back into the pie shell, and finally back into the oven.

But only seconds later, the knocking sounded AGAIN! This time when the farmers wife opened the oven door and the bunny came hopping out, the farmer waved her aside, opened the farm-house door, and let the animal go.

"Why did you do that?" cried the farmer's wife. "Now we don't have anything to eat for supper!"

"Let's face it," replied the farmer. "It was a hard rabbit to bake."

Chinese....

Someone needs to open a low-carb Chinese food restaurant and call it

"No More Mr. Rice Guy."

 

 

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the nightgown

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."

New Drugs :)

A famous British pharmaceutical company is working on drugs specifically for females ...

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment toward her spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing "facts" in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as "You don't love me anymore."

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.

 

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How'd you die??

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
 
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.


as seen on and copied from facebook :)

Are you..... ??

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he'd been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass??"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's Math Teacher."

the affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining......"

 

as seen on and copied from facebook :)

bungee jumping

Ok, this is wrong, but funny:

Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they finish, there's such a crowd they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine; it was the crowd. What in the world is a pinata?"

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

WHATS YOUR BIRTH NUMBER?

WHATS YOUR BIRTH NUMBER?

Once you have discovered your Birth Number. Put your number in as a comment below for us to know who we are.

Have fun! Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing.

To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the Birth Date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be, it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight.

Example:
March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973
1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20
2 + 0 = 2

Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. 2 is the Birth Number to read for the birth date in the example.

#1 THE ORIGINATOR
#2 THE PEACEMAKER
#3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
#4 THE CONSERVATIVE
#5 THE NONCONFORMIST
#6 THE ROMANTIC
#7 THE INTELLECTUAL
#8 THE BIG SHOT
#9 THE PERFORMER

# 1 - THE ORIGINATOR

1 's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things! their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses! , as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.

Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

#2 - THE PEACEMAKER

2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.

Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

# 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.

Famous 3's: Alan Alder, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Karen Roundbutt, Salv! ador Dali, Jodi Foster

# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE

4's are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.

Famous 4's: Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey

# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST

5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land t! hem in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's: Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent VanGogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hail.

# 6 - THE ROMANTIC

6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help.They are very loyal and make great teachers! They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.

Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Merlyn Steep, Christopher Columbus, Goldie Hawn

#7 - THE INTELLECTUAL

7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what's not in the world at large.

Famous 7's: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez, Princess Diana

# 8 - THE BIG SHOT

8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own
needs rather than on what others want.

Famous 8's: Edgar Cayce, Barbara Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus

#9  - THE PERFORMER
9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation.

Famous 9's: Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley

What are you?

AN ACCURATE HOROSCOPE FOR THE WHOLE YEAR 2013

AN ACCURATE HOROSCOPE FOR THE WHOLE YEAR 2013!

This is the real deal. Try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning, and it only gets worse from there.

ARIES - The Aggressive (B-day: March 21 to April 19)
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny... Excellent kisser. EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an Aries. Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be 'Right'. Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours. Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world. 16 years of bad luck if you do not share this post

TAURUS - The Tramp (B-day: April 20 to May 20)
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight. Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self-centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

GEMINI - The Twin (B-day: May 21 to June 20)
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very good at confusing people. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Geminis will not take any crap from anyone. Geminis like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Geminis can be very sarcastic and childish at times and are very nosy. Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

CANCER - The Beauty (B-day: June 21 to July 22)
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's love is one of a kind... Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative person, most are artists and insane, respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An ultimate freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most Cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare. Spontaneous. Not a fighter, but will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to! 12 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

LEO - The Lion (B-day: July 23 to August 22)
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo's problem becomes everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not share this post

VIRGO - The One that Waits (August 23 to September 22)
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. They do not forgive and never forget. The one and only. 7 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

LIBRA - The Lame One (B-day: September 23 to October 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, funny and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying. Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. Faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Very creative. A hopeless romantic. 9 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

SCORPIO - The Addict (B-day: October 23 to November 21)
EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad
Luck if you do not share this post.

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One (B-day: November 22 to December 21)
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones with all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover (B-day: December 22 to January 19)
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy, but when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud, understanding and sweet. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs in sports, especially Gemini's. Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

AQUARIUS - Does It in the Water (B-day: January 20 to February 18)
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when they're not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a fighter, but will knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

PISCES - The Partner for Life (B-day: February 19 to March 20)
Caring and kind. Smart. Likes to be the center of attention. Very organized. High appeal to opposite sex. Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humor!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to others but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be. 5 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

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as seen and copied from facebook ☺