How many kinds?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes. The root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

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New Skin

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you???'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!!!

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Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"I said be quiet! Now you're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"







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The Bet

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blonde's are dumb. But, all men..... are men.






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Do you fart in bed ?

Do you fart in bed ?

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years; the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

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Tourists

A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."





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The car won't start....

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."



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